"Can I help you, sir?"

I have clicked on so many excellent things lately. It’s kind of fantastic, this whole internet thingy we have!

• Tiny Buddha published this article about emotional blind spots, which feels like it came straight from my brain, and this one that resonated with me because of the transparency/authenticity concept.
• Check out this excellent three-partseries about butch-butch relationships, written by Butch Wonders and featuring some awesome butch people I know.
• One of the reasons I haven’t written quite as much lately is because I can’t stop playing this, especially now that I’ve figured out how to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to be doing besides shooting people and rustling horses.
• Want to see an incredible picture?
• Even if you’re not a Star Wars fan, this video is pretty awesome. Don’t have two hours? Skip to your favorite part!
• It’s going to tear me up to see this movie, but these stories NEED to be told.
• For a good time, visit these two Tumblrs, which are my favorite things in all the land right now. I mean, besides all of the other links I just posted.

When I first realized I was gay, I desperately wished for a role model. I wanted someone to come along and say here, this is how you go about doing this thing you’re doing. I wanted to find someone with whom I could identify, because I felt completely isolated from my family and friends in this regard; I was venturing into a territory I knew nothing about (except I knew I belonged there), and there wasn’t anyone who could help me navigate it. It felt tricky and vague, and it scared the hell out of me.

I felt the same way when I realized I was butch. It felt more right than anything in the world, but I wanted to meet someone who could just give me a few pointers on what in the hell I was doing, you know? I had this weird fantasy that somewhere, there was some other butch who was somewhat like me: we’d have the same style, similar hobbies, and we’d share the same outlook on the world. I laugh when I look back on this because a) the last thing we need is more of me running around, and 2) that’s just kind of creepy. With the gift of hindsight, I can see that I felt alone and just wanted to feel a little validated. I also think I wanted someone to look up to.

Receiving handwritten cards and letters in the mail. Waking up to snow. Homemade tamales. College football bowl games. New sheets. Getting my hair cut. My fantastic friends. Old pictures. Whiskey. Common sense. Travel plans. Coming up with fake song names for my fake band. Video chatting. Driving fast. Cheese fondue. Cuddling with kittehs. Push-ups. Outdoor fireplaces. Getting new kitchen gear. Looking at maps. Planning my next tattoo.

What’s on your list?

So The Advocate came out with its list of the gayest cities in America, and my lovely little town of Salt Lake City came in at #1. My first thought? BULLSHIT.

We don’t have our own gay ‘hood, a la Castro or Boystown or Dupont Circle. We don’t have a shitload of gay bars. We do have the headquarters of a large, um, religious bully in the form of the LDS church. We had a WNBA team, but we lost it, which sucked since that was the best place to meet other lesbians.

But the Advocate listing was admittedly subjective and had the intent to highlight “the per capita queerness of some less expected locales.” The fact is that there IS a large community here, and it’s pretty active and thriving. Our Pride celebration isn’t as huge as the one in Seattle or New York, but it’s actually pretty big and always well-attended. I see HRC stickers more here than I have anywhere else I’ve lived. The softball-playing, ponytail- and Teva-wearing, Subaru- or Jeep-driving lesbians are seemingly everywhere, and they could very well be Utah’s state mascot. State mascots are a thing, right? The nightlife isn’t overwhelmingly amazing like other cities, but let’s face it – the nightlife in the 801 is relatively unamazing overall, let alone when it comes to gay clubs. But don’t get me started on how packed it is at any Indigo Girls/Brandi Carlile/k.d. lang concert; the people watching is outstanding.

My biggest complaint about living here is less about it not being gay enough and more about the blurry line between church and state (OH, and the current lack of snow, for the love), but that issue seems to be changing, slowly but surely. After Prop 8 a few years ago, the community – both LGBT and its allies – were out in full force to protest the LDS church’s involvement, and it was really touching to see that it wasn’t just us fighting for equality – it was our friends and neighbors, too. My reasons for wanting to move at some point have more to do with the fact that I lived here before years ago, so I’m ready for something new. But otherwise, I can get on board with The Advocate’s rating. SLC will never be San Francisco, but for a mid-sized city, it’s pretty progressive. Now if we could just do something about the dumb liquor laws …

Butches of every shoe preference and height and haircut are asked to give a short answer from their unique point of view on a topic or question posed to the entire group. So here it is, in each person’s own words …

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This week, we have a suggested prompt from one of our participants. Pretty awesome, eh?

Butch women have, for various reasons, been openly wearing menswear since (roughly) the Victorian age. Whether custom-tailored or off the rack, when it comes to clothing: How do you do it? How do you handle the compromises and complications that arise from the disparity between your female body and your butch gender expression?

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Red
I think we’ve been wearing men’s clothes since the dawn of humanity.  I wear shit off the rack.  My body is a bit tall and skinny, so men’s clothes fit me.  I work in the trades, and I consider it to be one of my great accomplishments that I have arranged my life in such a way that I do not have to dress up, ever.  It’s important that my work clothes fit me, because if they were too baggy, they could get caught on something and cause me to be injured.  I don’t see any disparity between my female body and my butch gender expression.

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Anne
Firstly I think how you wear masculine clothing (which I just think of as comfortable clothing)  and issues arising  depends on your physical shape – im quite tall and broad shouldered, so far so good, but I have a 40″ bust so thats not so easy to get around.

I tend to buy medium/large menswear and that provides for just enough room for the bust but sometimes the buttons are a little stretched. I have got over this of late by getting shirts made to measure – which is fabulous.  I dont want to hide my bust so im not bothered by the possible incongruity of mens clothing on a semi masculine body (tall, broad shouldered, long body) but with a bust! I get stared at but Im kind of used to it now and im forever getting funny looks in the bathroom depending on how short my haircut is!

Jumpers arent an issue i just get a medium or a large depending on how tight i want it to fit.  T shirts can be a bit of a problem, they tend to be a bit tight over the bust sometimes but that cant be helped and the wife seems to like it! its either that or really baggy which can look a bit rubbish.

In terms of trousers im fortunate i have narrow hips and a small bottom (more of a cylinder shape than your average woman) which means I tend to fit mens trousers better than womens trousers  so there is no problem at all there – in fact i cant remember the last time i bought women’s trousers.

Shoes – well im a UK 7 US 8 so i get the full range of mens shoes which is great and I occassionally (very ocassionally) even buy shoes designed for women – but tend to have to get a bigger size!

I wear womens underwear top and bottom, ive tried boxers but i cant get on with them and I dont personally have an issue with wearing womens underwear – they fit and they are comfortable thats the main thing, Bras do become a bit tricky as the lace variety dont appeal much to me (and i tend to break them!)  so i tend to go for sports bras – practical and functional – but again funny looks always arise in the lingerie department!

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Diopter
I started thinking about this topic, as I recently married my sweetie of 5 years. Her gift to me (she got the diamond) was a custom suit. YAY! Rather than go with a tailor here in NYC — thinking it’d be ‘weird’ to be measured for menswear (this world was foreign to us) — we met with a company based overseas (will remain nameless) that tailors clothing specifically for butches. We assumed it’d be easier because they’d “get it.” What ensued was a stressful, frustrating & expensive fiasco. I thought this company would be “the answer” for
custom work wear, but no. I got a gorgeous suit, but in the future, I’ll be looking for a local tailor who will make what I want, per my measurements, without asking questions. (New Yorkers are great at this in a very good way. This is a city of live & let live!).

My current wardrobe rarely strays from menswear unless necessary; it’s been that way for many years. From socks to sweaters, that’s it (except for bras, ha). With casual clothes & shoes, I don’t have problems. But I have always had a hard time finding dressy clothes that reflect my style but also work with having a female figure. It’s
been a struggle overall, and I have to accept that I cannot walk into a men’s department and just buy dress shirts in a package. I am not tall, so standard dress shirts don’t work. Over the years I’ve reconfigured how I see myself in the world and the realities that exist in terms of expressing myself and feeling comfy. It’s taken
time, but I’ve gotten there. It’s simply how things are, and luckily I’ve found brands that I can cobble together for a great butch look. It’s not 100%, but I’m happy. And my wife certainly is not complaining!

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