"can i help you, sir?"

If you follow politics at all, you should know who Ana Marie Cox is. If you don’t follow politics, you should still know who she is. She was the founding editor of Wonkette, which I’ve mentioned a few times here as my favorite political blog; while she’s no longer there, she definitely left her snarky stamp on the satirical site. You may have seen her on The Rachel Maddow Show, as she is a frequent guest and even guest hosted it a few months back.

She’s a great follow on Twitter (@anamariecox); her sarcastic commentary on politics  and pop culture in general are both hilarious and accurate (recent tweet: “Sarah Palin’s hair continues to inspire and amaze me. Send it to Haiti.”). She frequently posts photos of her epic bedhead, pictures of her ridiculously cute dogs, and insider photos of Washington, D.C., events (like the comparison of shoes with another woman at a White House Briefing, or her outfits for political fundraisers and dinners). And also? She’s a great advocate for gay rights. Her combination of looks, humor and brains is lethal, and I love her, the end.

Welcome to the Swoon List, Ana Marie.

I like this guy. I mean, he really just seems likeable, doesn’t he? I like his style, I like his physical demeanor, and I like his energy. And  I appreciate that he wears a suit well, isn’t afraid to throw in a scarf here and there, and can rock the jeans and tee, too. One thing I really enjoy about his style is that, while it looks like it was put together with a lot of thought, it doesn’t seem overdone or pretentious. I like accessibility, and Ryan’s look feels that way to me. That kind of versatility and confidence is what I aspire to exude both now and for the rest of my life, the end.

Q: Tell us about your dream girl.

That is a tough question to answer, but I’ll do my best …

My dream girl is smart and can beat me at Boggle or Trivial Pursuit. She can argue politics with me in one breath and discuss the merits of the latest Coen brothers movie in the next. I trust her judgment, and her opinion means a lot to me.

She has a big heart, and is genuinely nice to everyone, from the server at the restaurant to the grocery cashier to yes, me. She is compassionate and careful. She gives me space to be both tough and vulnerable, because I AM both.

She looks damn good out at the martini bar in a little black dress and sexy heels, but looks just as sexy in jeans and tee with me at the ball game. She’s not perfect, but she takes her health and fitness seriously, like me. She and I have incredible chemistry, both physically and emotionally.

She likes to laugh. She cracks me up and laughs at my jokes, too. She has to get the Christopher Guest-movie humor, because that’s my humor, too. She likes to smile and have a good time. She’s equally comfortable at a black tie event, at a backyard barbecue or at home on the couch watching movies.

She’s femme, and she knows it. She revels in the power of her femininity and enjoys the intensity of my masculinity as well. She understands that elusive but defining give and take between my gender and hers, like the difference in energy when I need to guide her by placing my hand in the small of her back or when I need to feel grounded by feeling her hands in my hair.

She likes to cook for me because she gets satisfaction out of knowing I love it, not because she thinks I can’t do it myself. The same as she lets me carry bags, fill the gas tank, and fix things for her; not because I think her incapable, but because that intention is a fundamental way in which I show affection.

When I’m with her, things will just make sense (except the fact that she’ll have 10 lip glosses, two paper clips, tissues and extra earrings in her handbag. I will never get that, but I’m at peace with it). I’ll be my most authentic self with her, at my best or at my worst.

Maybe all these details won’t be exact, but I think you get the idea. And at the end of the day? She just GETS my geeky, intense, laid-back and goofball self.

So yeah, that’s it.

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It seems like lately I’ve been seeing a lot of um, instruction, for lack of a better word, on what it means to be butch. What the word means. What pronouns a butch should use, and what others should use for a butch. What behaviors a butch should or shouldn’t exhibit. How a butch should look or dress. Even instructions for how femmes should relate to or act around butches.

Who is one person to offer theories on what another person should be? I joke around with stereotypes, but really? There’s no expert on you, and there’s no expert on me. Like I said over on Beelisty’s fantastic post on her multitudes (are you following her blog? If you’re not, go. Now), I don’t like the idea of weighing in on how other people should do butch (or any version of any gender, for that matter). I think it’s arrogant and somewhat ignorant. I try to stay in my lane and tell my story about how I do it.

This is my butch experience. Continue reading

Do you have any advice for a young femme still trying to find her place in the world?

This question has really made me think. I can’t really speak to what it might mean to a young femme, since that wasn’t really my experience. I know what my experiences were in finding my way, and I know what I’ve heard from femmes. But I’ll opening this up to the femmes who read my blog as well, since they can add the street cred to this that I can’t.

I just thought of it in terms of things I wish I’d known when I was younger, and I came up with this list:

1) Take the journey seriously, and take it with a grain of salt. You have to be able to learn about yourself along the way, but having a sense of humor will help immensely. Have fun getting to know this aspect of yourself, because it’s pretty damn cool.

2) Be confident. I know, this can be easier said than done. When I first came out as lesbian and then again as butch, I was kind of nervous in those regards, because hey! I was new to the gay! I felt like I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Those first few tentative steps were nerve-wracking for me. But looking back, I knew more than I thought I did. Which is a perfect segue into …

3) Be authentic. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not just because you might think that’s what you’re supposed to do as a femme. You’re your own brand of femme. You might be like other femmes, you might not. But you can’t base this on what you or others think you’re supposed to be, because they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about when it comes to what’s best for you, you know?

4) Have faith. Everything is going to turn out exactly the way it’s supposed to, the end.

But the most important lesson I learned?

5) You are enough. God, how I wish someone had told me this when I was younger, with no caveats. It would’ve helped my personal growth, it would’ve helped me in relationships, and it’s just a good thing to know about yourself. Who you are now, who you’ll be in 50 years, and every incarnation of you between now and then is perfectly you (as long as you’re doing that whole authenticity thing).

I don’t claim to be any kind of expert on this; I’m just a smart-assed butch who is humbled that you asked me about this. But for any other femmes who read this, please pipe up – I know you have great advice to share.

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