Fighting the isolation
I went to a St. Patrick’s Day party last night with my Crazy Straights friends, so named because they are crazy and well, straight. Actually, the group consists of a couple of lesbians and a couple of straight married women. We almost always a great time, and I like hanging out with them. It’s good for several laughs (and usually results in some embarrassing photos as well).
But last night, I took a moment to look around the room. It really hit me that there was no one there even remotely like me. I was probably the most like the straight guys in the room, but the ones who didn’t know me had to give me the suspicious once over before being cool with me. The straight women I knew goofed with me, and the ones I didn’t either flirted with me or also gave me a once-over evaluation. And the two lesbians, well. They’re an on-again, off-again couple, so they tend to be wrapped up in each other most of the time anyway because things are really good or really bad between them. I spent most of my time with my friend’s husband, who has become a pretty decent buddy of mine whenever this group gets together.
While thinking about this further today, I realized how much I appreciate this online community with which I’ve been able to interact. Yes, I mean you. I don’t experience much solidarity or community on a daily or even weekly basis, so having you all around to converse, brainstorm and debate makes all the difference. For those of you who blog, being able to read your writing helps me combat that feeling of isolation.
What do you do to counteract the times when you feel isolated? What helps you feel more connected?
March 15th, 2010 at 7:23 am
Enjoyed reading both this and “Butch Dismissal.” We are part of a tribe that was spread to the far winds before we met. Butches, boi’s, AG’s, transmen. Gotta get more of your voice in to the community forming at dapperQ. We need each other and the world needs us.
March 15th, 2010 at 7:52 am
G, I wish I had an answer for dealing w/ the isolation. I deal with it the same way you do– interacting with my online community. I don’t have many butch identified friends offline where I live right now– I have plenty of queer friends around. Most of my buddies are gay guys and trans guys right now.
March 28th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Bee: Being able to interact with my online folks just saves me some days. Talking with people like you help make up for the fact that I just don’t interact with many like us on a daily basis.
March 15th, 2010 at 8:54 am
even tho I’ve got a great circle of gays here in Portland, I still love my online community.
the friendships I’ve made and the conversations I’ve had are truly great. I feel so fortunate.
thank you for being a friend, friendy.
March 28th, 2010 at 10:33 pm
Kaitlin: I’m happy you’re part of my community, friendo.
March 15th, 2010 at 10:23 am
We’ve talked before about this. It’s funny, last night Boo and I got into a huge fight right before bedtime. So…she chose to sleep on the couch. I’m laying there crying in bed, can’t sleep, feeling so alone as none of my friends live near us not to mention its late, and what goes through my mind? ‘I should get on twitter and talk to my friends there.” Sighs. This online community that I’ve shared my life with, cried with, laughed with, rejoiced with…they are the ones that I wanted in my moment of craziness. I thought about when its Boo that I’m mad at, how I can talk to you and feel better. If nothing else you’ll make a joke and I’ll laugh and snort and all will be well even for a moment. But it isn’t just when Boo and I fight.
I don’t have many lesbian friends at all and 4 of them are family…so I definitely have those times where I just want to be around people that really understand and get me. People that don’t see me in my skirt and heels and look at me sideways when Boo comes up and slides her hand in mine. Boo doesn’t get that about me. She doesn’t understand that need for close lesbian friends…but it is a need.
I feel ya, G. Sometimes, we can be in a room full of people and feel so extrememly alone….I know that feeling all too well…
*hugs*
March 28th, 2010 at 10:37 pm
Beautiful: I know what you mean. Sometimes it’s just nice to be around people who get it. I love my group of friends, and I’m very comfortable with them. They’re still all very straight, and sometimes that just feels a little lacking. Thank goodness for friends like you.
March 15th, 2010 at 11:36 am
You know what’s funny? This happens to me a lot when I’m out with my queer friends. I love them, I really do, but I often wish I had more friends like me who could understand the butch/boi dynamic a bit more.
I’m so glad to have found your blog because so often I can relate.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, swoon lists, and adventures with us.
:-)
March 28th, 2010 at 10:39 pm
LB: That’s exactly what I’d like to have – more who understand where I’m coming from, whether that’s another butch/boi or a femme who loves the butches/bois. Either way, it’s nice to feel understood.
March 15th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
I was thinking about this the other day. About how the people I know online are more aware of the real than the majority of people I know in real life.
That is beyond value and it’s such a comfort to know there are other butches and femmes out there who I can relate to. And you my friend are up there with the best of them. Thank you :-)
March 28th, 2010 at 10:41 pm
Holden: Isn’t that interesting? I’ve thought about that too, about how some people I’ve never met know more about the authentic me than some people who have called themselves my friends and family for years. But I too really appreciate the interaction and education I get from this great community, including you and your wonderful wife. Thanks.
March 15th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
I think a lot, A LOT of people are feeling isolated, as I see in some responses even with friends and comrades. I think it’s the times, and that we want to unite with joy instead of always co-miserating. At least that’s when I notice in myself, that when I can meet another soul, say in an anonymous laugh on the street when we as strangers mutually witnessed something funny, or enjoy a ray of sun (which in the NW is something to celebrate about now!) –that is where I don’t feel so alone.
March 28th, 2010 at 10:42 pm
Laura Lee: Those moments of connection are amazing. I certainly don’t take them for granted. And score! Rays of sun in the NW are heavenly.
March 15th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
I blog, I write, I cry, I write some more. I take the dogs out for a long walk and look up into the sky. I don’t know what I would do without my online community.
March 28th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Camlin: I feel the exact same way some days. It’s nice to know some people have my back when I need it.
March 16th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
I’ve found quite a community that I can relate too right here in blogland.
As I’m thinking about the birthday party that I have to go to this Saturday and wondering if I’m going to end up in the living room where the ladies are or the garage where the men hang out. Neither is totally comfortable for me but the beer helps.
March 28th, 2010 at 10:43 pm
Jude: Beer always helps. And just think, without this community, I wouldn’t have found my long-lost brother!
March 16th, 2010 at 10:02 pm
I’m slowly finding community online, and slowly finding community in my real life in San Francisco. But if I ever leave San Francisco, that isolation is what I’m most afraid of.
And you know what? Even here, it’s isolated. Even big cities. People care so much about proving things to each other that finding genuine community of like-minded people can be hard.
Sigh.
March 28th, 2010 at 10:45 pm
Alpha: I think community in real life is just as important, and I’m so glad you’re finding it. It’s tough to connect with people, no matter where it is. But I’m sure glad I found your voice among the masses!
March 17th, 2010 at 5:15 am
I really don’t know – I’m incredibly isolated in a gay sense, and it sucks.
Every lesbian I meet is interested in a relationship, and not making friends. And I’m genuinely looking for a gay social circle. Somebody tell me, what am I doing wrong?
I’ve started making friends in the online community, and its a life saver.
March 28th, 2010 at 10:46 pm
Aneke: I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. That is just a tricky line to walk, no matter what. Sometimes finding a good friend is much harder than finding a date!
March 17th, 2010 at 7:39 am
Oof. Preaching to the choir, man. I really wish there were some real-life butch meet-ups available — a local group of guys who could get together and BBQ, or wrestle around in the park, or just get out and hang together.
The online community is seriously awesome and I wouldn’t trade it, but nothing beats being able to meet others like you in person.
March 28th, 2010 at 10:48 pm
DK: I agree completely. Those real-life connections are imperative. In the meantime, I’ll just keep developing my online community and planning ways to meet all my amazing blogpeeps.
March 17th, 2010 at 9:55 am
Another point that I just realized is I didn’t feel this isolated when I was in the closet. It’s only since I’ve been totally out that I wish I had more gay and specifically, butch friends to pal around. I’ve told the Wife the next time we move it’s going to be in the center of Gayville, USA. So this virtual space is definitely filling in for an important need.
March 28th, 2010 at 10:48 pm
Jude: You are going to Gayville? Please let me know when, and I’ll move there, too. Then it will be even MORE gay.
March 19th, 2010 at 12:37 am
Funny, I was thinking about this question in another context just this morning. I was trying to figure out why my online communities are so important to me. And as I looked back I discovered that every major change in my life in the past ten years has happened around online interaction. It started with the isolation around infertility, then multiple pregnancy, prematurity, multiple newborns, then later coming out to myself and all that goes with that, and I first came out to a group online, a few years before I came out in a group context IRL. So I am not sure I have an answer for you except to say that I have clearly handled isolation by going online. It feels like it has worked for me… but I also have that feeling of looking for human interaction in person… it’s always a goal too…
March 28th, 2010 at 10:50 pm
Making Space: That’s really interesting. It’s nice to know there is a way to meet people who have something in common with us, no matter what that is. That thought is comforting to me.
March 27th, 2010 at 1:31 am
It’s hard. I’m very community oriented, my partner is not…it’s partly cuz she’s been hurt, and then doesn’t want to come out of her shell..we’re classic female identified Butches, Butch on Butch and leather, but we can’t get behind all the transitioning right and left, all the handsome Butches who want to take ‘T’ and cut off their breasts..we’d just rather be around ordinary women or dykes or womon only environments where that’s not happening. Otherwise we tend to isolate.
I spend alot of time online, in my blogs, Facebook, various websites connecting, conspiring with likeminded others. But even likeminded others who are local, it’s very hard to get together, everyone is so busy, or it’s hard to find times we have in common, and TAKE THE TIME to get to know each other or hang out together. It’s very isolating. Also we’re kinda on the fringes of the big city environment, where there aren’t many out Dykes around. We’re COMPLETELY out, but we gotta travel to a neighborhood 15-20 miles away to be around where the out dykes are, or across the bridge, where there’s little parking. Sure we see folks at events, but what would count more for me would be informal meetups for coffee, which I sometimes do with my Dyke friends, but much more so in an organized way, and with other Female idnetified Butches who are PROUD to be female and dont’ want to be guys, are pagan/Goddess friendly, and leather and size positive. We’re also not young, and sometimes the dyke community gets real stratified by money(which we struggle with) and by age. It’s hard to overcome those barriers.
When we go to events with mostly middle class Lesbians who flaunt their class, consciously or unconsciously, we mostly feel snubbed. We’re too obvious, too out, too big, too Dykey, too Butch on Butch, too leather obvious or whatever….in your face Dykes, you CAN’T miss us, and we don’t pass in any manner! Alot of the middle class ones even the Butches are more like tweeners..or soft play it..we don’t. this is just who we are.
And since we’re clean and sober, the bar life and clubs and all aren’t for us anymore. It’d be nice to hang with other Butches who are into healthier things, that is don’t drink or use or smoke, and more into Dyke culture, pagan oriented, or alternative spirituality, and have some common interests with us. She likes bikes and sports, I like martial arts and do construction, and also quite political, I care what’s going on around me. Some Butches are incredibly apolitical and in fact quite boring that way…that’s not for me. I like a stimulating mind, and a stimulating thoughtprovoking conversation with women who care beyond their own navels or small lives.
Maybe that’s asking too much..but I can meet it in the blog/online world…it’d just be nice to meet it more realtime. There is a female identified Butch group that a couple friends and I are working on, but we haven’t yet put it out to the community. If that group could get off the ground, perhaps the women will come that have some common interests and also are thought provoking and intelligent. I think oftentimes we sell ourselves short…
-In Sisterhood,
-FeistyAmazon
March 28th, 2010 at 10:54 pm
Feisty: I think we all feel that way to an extent, that we’d like to make more connections in person. And as you said, that can be tricky to navigate. Thank goodness for my online friends, who are there for me no matter what kind of difficulty I may have finding like-minded people where I live.
March 29th, 2010 at 9:10 am
I don’t have many queer friends. I can probably count them on one hand. I rarely ever feel a part of the community here…..and the butch/femme community here is relatively non-existant!
I am also fairly entrenched with the local salsa community. There are three of us queer chicks (that I know of) who are active – social dancing, classes, performances, traveling for events, etc., so I dance with guys 99% of the time. Phila has a few gay tango and 2stepping classes, but that really isn’t my thing.
I really need to get back to blogging. While my recent breakup has created a lot of potential content, I haven’t felt very inclined to blog. Odd, no?
Anyway…as always, great post!
March 30th, 2010 at 10:12 pm
Kathrin: The salsa community sounds great! I’d love it if I had something like that here.
And don’t worry about not blogging … the motivation for content ebbs and flows. There are times when I feel like I should have SO MUCH to talk about, given my personal life. It will come to you when it’s ready.
April 2nd, 2010 at 7:55 am
I’ve been really amazed and moved by this back and forth. Congrats on striking such a nerve. Living in NYC, I’ve never lacked for community options — but it has only been in the last couple of years that I have purposefully work to surround myself with butch friends (who have so healed me!)
I started dapperQ because fashion seems like something we can bond around (and the politics of age, gender identification, etc.) seem to separate us. Going to be launching a free on-line course for 20 of us who want to explore dapperQ fashion 101 and create a framework for others. It’s not BBQ in the park but definitely a butch meet-up. Hope you will check dapperQ.com or friend dapperQ so I can keep you my new and growing virtual community posted?
April 5th, 2010 at 10:10 pm
Dapper: I think community is important no matter how it happens. Since I came out, I’ve always made it a point to surround myself with supportive friends. I’m grateful for my online peers in particular during this chapter of my life while my in-person butch community is lacking a bit.
April 3rd, 2010 at 3:05 pm
It’s taken me a while to work out how i want to say this without sounding like a dork… i guess… i live in a tiny country at the bottom of the world. growing up as a baby dyke (didn’t come out as a femme till much later) i wanted to move to london, san francisco, new york or los angeles because i imagined this was where all the queer women were. i went to university in the 4th biggest city in the country (still with only 200,000 people, laugh it up, i know). I now live in the capital, the 2nd biggest city (still only 400,000, laugh it up even more). in between i also had a two year stint in london.
i can say with my hand on my heart that i’ve never felt isolated either in my university town or where i live now. i used to think that if i’d lived in an even smaller town in my country, i’d feel lonely, and would crave queer company. that i would be alone. i read this posts and all the comments, and it makes me think – wow – the city i live in is probably what you guys in “the real world” (hahaha) would class as a small town, compared to yours.
i guess the difference (from what i can gather) is that because there were such a small number of queer identified people where i lived – we all banded together. when we were at university, we couldn’t be choosy about women’s only spaces, or femme only coffee mornings, or leather nights, or bisexual knitting circles or whatever. the university community mixed with the wider queer community – age, race, income level. if we’d stratified our community, we’d have diminshed it to a whole range of small groups that would’ve been harder to sustain. i guess this is where i’d put the analogy about snapping a twig vs snapping a tightly bound bunch of twigs.
it was totally different in london. i lived with my really rich girlfriend, it totally blew my mind. all her friends were homogenous. white. rich. well educated. femme or safely soft butch who could pass at work if they wanted. vanilla. (ha!) i begged her to take me to a queer space other than the members only lesbian bar she went to, but it was always no – that’s full of men, or no, chavs go there, or no, that’s not in a safe part of town. i lived in a huge city, bustling full of queers of every flavour – the mecca i’d sought as a kid – and i felt alone, removed.
where i live now is more akin to my university town. there’s two queer bars – one’s a nightclub, one’s a bar. the town can’t sustain a women’s only bar, a leather bar (i wish) a twinks nightclub, an expensive cocktail haven for femmes in heels, a booze barn with cheap beer for queer students, an alcohol-free coffee house etc etc, if these all opened, we’d lose them all in 6 months as they’d go under.
i’m not saying that we don’t have an intrinsic need to share our life experiences with people who share the same life experiences as you do. that’s entirely legitimate. obviously. i’m a girlie femme, i really only have queer friends, even in this small town. my friends include hyper cool yet broke androgyne artists. anarchafeminst radicals that fight for indigenous rights. my oldest and dearest friend started t last year and now identifies as male. i like butches. they’re also my friends. our community is so small that we get to be friends first without being lovers. we try to have sub-nuclear breakups as we’ll be seeing that person for the next ten years in the street.
maybe i’ve lost the point here somewhere in this comment. i’m sorry. perhaps what i mean to say is that i’m lucky as i’ve had no choice about whether i engage with only people who are JUST LIKE ME, or with a wide range. i guess growing up, staring at my atlas of san fran etc, i never thought i’d be at my computer 25 years later, not believing my good fortune.
April 5th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
Mermaid: Very interesting observations. I agree that in larger groups, we tend to separate into our own little niches. For me personally, I’m not interested in that. I love the diversity amongst my social circles, and I can get along with everyone. But yeah, I think it would be cool to hang out with at least one person who just gets it. Until then, I plan to keep on having fun with my friends.
July 21st, 2010 at 9:19 am
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