Learning more lessons
One of my good friends, W, sent me a message on Facebook to tell me he’d lost my blog address, and could I send it to him again? No biggie, except the blog address he USED to have was to my old blog. My old blog was lovely, but it was pretty flat. It featured a lot of “Hey, look at this YouTube video!” sort of stuff. I talked about my family a bit, and I talked about relationships a bit (I’d originally started the blog to help me cope with the horrible ending of a long-term relationship). But it didn’t have much depth, and it didn’t have much of me.
I wanted to give him the address to this blog, but I suddenly got a little nervous. This blog is personal. It talks about my identity in ways I’ve never discussed with some of the friends I have in my life. I knew he’d be supportive; he’s a dear, dear friend. One of the best, really. And it’s not that I didn’t think he’d understand, at least to some extent; he and I have been friends for several years now. We played in a band together, we suffered many a hangover together after a late night at the gay bar, and we just generally caused a ruckus together wherever we went. He’s one of those soulmate friends, you know?
But talking about my gender is a little frustrating for me sometimes, at least when it comes to my in-person friends. I don’t think it’s difficult for anyone to tell that I look, dress, or act more masculine than most women, but there’s something intensely personal and a little nerve-wracking about discussing my feelings about being butch when I’m not sure if they understand it or are even familiar with the subject.
For these reasons, I felt the need to issue a disclaimer to him when I sent the URL. One of those “Well, this blog is different because it’s about my personal gender journey” statements, like a warning. You know, to give him that opportunity to say he was either not interested or to not say it, but to think that he didn’t care to read about that kind of thing. I naturally think of that because of my chosen profession; if I say this, then here are all the possible responses I could get. But I often fail to anticipate getting positive feedback.
W wrote back to tell me that holy shit, he was on a gender journey of his own. I won’t go into all the details because that’s not my story to tell. Suffice it to say that developments in his life aren’t exactly what he’d ever anticipated, but he couldn’t be happier. I didn’t see that coming at all, but it made my day to know that a) he’s so happy, and b) he’s another person who is evolving.
A couple of lessons that I learned and re-learned out of this whole experience:
My fear of rejection is still very real. If someone comes to my blog and wants to talk shit to me, or even in a more passive way decides they don’t like it, I can totally live with that. If a stranger on the street gives me a dirty look or says something mean, I can handle that. But in a circumstance where I am revealing a part of myself to someone I love, with the possibility that he or she could reject it, I feel scared.Is that leftover from past experience? Maybe.
I know that if my friends/family reject me that I’ll be okay – I’m a champ at just forging ahead – but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still feel like shit. I think some of my discomfort also comes from trying to explain something that feels so critical to who I am, yet doesn’t always come with ready answers. (Sidebar: I like to have answers). It’s good to be aware that that particular fear is still so present; now I know to continue to work on it.
And:
I need to give my friends more credit. The ones I have in my life are so amazing. I’ve managed to do a pretty good job of giving people the appropriate amount of attention and space in my life, especially compared to how I used to do it. Those who love and support me unconditionally definitely get more air time than those who give their love in doses or with caveats. I am so distrusting by default any more, and I would like to get better at realizing I don’t have to be that way with everyone. I have a lot of love to give to the good people in my life, and I want to learn how share that freely instead of expecting the worst.
Sometimes I forget that other people are figuring life out as they go along, too. It’s nice to have company.
May 14th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
I’ve shared my blog with very few people in my personal life, and when I do, it usually comes with a paragraphs-long e-mail about why and when and how I decided to start, why and when and how I decided not to talk to them about being butch, and why and when and how I am opening to them now. It feels very vulnerable in my personal life still to say, “I am butch.” even though it’s more than likely that most people can tell. At most, I can say, “I like ties.” So I empathize with your last two points.
May 14th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
It’s funny I can completely relate to your issue and it’s one I have not worked out yet. I literally have two blogs. One where I can share any thoughts at all, especially ones about being gay and the transformation I have gone through. This one is not completely “public” and the other which is dealing with my temporary relocation to Switzerland. I seperated them because I don’t want my Mom to read the other and feel hurt or betrayed. Even though that is never my intention. Maybe someday they will merge.
In the meantime… how cool that your friend is on his own journey.
May 14th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
One person in RL knows of my blog and that’s only by accident. I totally get you fear, I can’t risk losing more than I have so I blog in secret. I’m glad your friend was cool with it. :)
May 15th, 2010 at 1:59 am
It is indeed a scary thing to divulge such personal things on a blog, especially about gender identity issues which can really tweek some people. But I say, put it out there, it is your life and your story and it’s a celebration of your journey! I have a niece who is going through gender issues, and luckily everyone in the family is being very supportive – whew. When you family has your back, anything is possible!
Carry on!
May 17th, 2010 at 4:06 pm
I can relate to a lot of this. Talking to my friends and family about my journey through gender and sexuality is not nearly as easy as talking to people online, and fear of rejection is huge. If someone online blows me off, or criticizes me, I may be hurt and surprised, but I can get on with my life afterward. When my wife expresses criticism, or my best friends don’t entirely get it (or maybe don’t want to), it hurts a lot more and is a lot harder to reconcile.
Like you, I’ve been learning that if I take a deep breath and give people a chance, I am often pleasantly surprised by their reactions and support. I’m very glad for you that you had that kind of experience.
May 20th, 2010 at 10:05 pm
Harrison: Yes, that’s the disclaimer I know well. I just assume most people in my personal life don’t think about gender half as much as I do, so I feel like I have to explain it, from the beginning. I’m learning more and more how to just say it and leave it.
CAB: My previous blog was pretty much fluff, and I wouldn’t have minded it if someone found it. But I also realized it was killing me to not be authentic, so I made that my priority. I don’t interact with my family much online because it stresses me out to see their close-minded opinions.
Tara: I’m grateful that there are people out there who have supportive family. Some of my family is supportive to a point, and I’m also grateful for that. I do put my story out honestly, although perhaps not completely transparently. I’m okay with that.
Kyle: It’s definitely a lot tougher to take when someone close to me criticizes or blows me off. I’ve taken it personally before, thinking “So this person knows and loves me and is still rejecting me?” With strangers, I don’t take it personally at all. So I’m working on trying to even out that reaction out in my mind. I put myself out there, and I understand that people are allowed to react however they like – and it’s almost always something that is their issue, not mine.
May 22nd, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Oh jeez I’ve been away too long. This made me cry. I so needed to read this today. Thank you.
May 24th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Yes, I do the same exact thing with people from my real life. Hardly any read it, and for those that do — even my closest friends — I issued a caveat when I sent them the link. (They’re straight, obviously.) “No obligation to read this, as it’s mostly relationship musings and queer identity drivel, but since you asked here you have it.” Etc.
And yeah, you’re right. It’s totally about fear of rejection. And fear that I’m going to be blamed or called out on somehow stuffing my queerness into their faces unwanted (I’m really sensitive to that, as I once overheard a guy who’d once asked me out but who I thought had passed into being a pretty good friend say to someone else when he thought I wasn’t there that I “couldn’t let the lesbian thing go” and really needed to stop talking about it all the time…).
And, yes, I ought to give people — particularly my closest friends — more credit. And grow thicker skin so that when I do come across those types of reactions from people, I don’t care as much.
May 26th, 2010 at 8:12 pm
Alpha: I’ve had that fear of getting blamed before, too. Maybe if I keep my gayness in check or within acceptable limits, then it’s a little easier for people to accept. But the bottom line is that people in my life have either accepted me or not, and that fear has pretty much been in my head. I’m still learning to trust that.