A butch among men: now, with women!
So yes, I get along with men pretty well. It’s a necessity; they’re everywhere these days. But there’s a distinct difference in how I act when I’m out on my own versus when I’m out with a date or female friend.
I’m much more guarded, for the benefit of both me and my companion. I still like to have a good time, but I’m watching everything and everyone. I notice when a man walks by a little more closely than he should, or pays a little too much attention to her from the bar. I stand taller, walk a little more aggressively, drink less and sit between her and the sketchy guy at the next table who can’t stop looking at her or at us.
I figure one of the reasons that this happens is because they’re checking out my friend or date. There is the occasion when a guy will flirt with me, but it’s so rare and laughable that I don’t often think about it. In any event, the look on a man’s face when he’s admiring an attractive woman is clearly different than when he’s thinking he’d like to take her out back and fuck her, whether she’s given him the time of day or not.
There’s another angle, too. If it’s a date, and a guy figures this out, that can change everything. I’ve heard everything from fascination (“Oh, hey – can I watch?”) to optimism (“You just haven’t met the right guy yet”) to confusion (“How can you be that hot and not like cock?!”) to denial (“Spend a night with me, and I’ll turn you straight”) to anger, which usually then gets blamed on me (“You couldn’t get a man if you tried,” “No wonder you’re a dyke – you look like a dude” or “You better watch it. Some guy will change her mind”).
I feel like there is a delicate way to handle these conflicts. If a guy starts coming on to her, I feel like it is her right and responsibility to respond to him in a way that helps her maintain her autonomy and power. If I jumped in every time that happened, I’d be doing it a lot, and it would only make me look jealous. But more importantly, in my opinion, my knee jerk reaction would take away from her the ability to express herself with conviction; he should hear it come from her mouth that she’s not interested (for whatever reason). The last thing I want him to think is that she’s too vulnerable to speak on her own or that because I intervened, she might feel differently.
This isn’t to say she’s on her own. I’ve found that it helps to have this conversation at some point with my date/friend. I ask how they handle these situations. I ask if they can think of a situation where they’d like me to get involved and, if so, at what point they start feeling like they need some support. Is it the third time he asks? Is it when he puts his hand on her arm? I want the women I go out with to have a comfort level, to know they’re not alone. We all need someone to have our back sometime, you know? There might be idiots out there that start shit – we’ve all seen it – but running into them shouldn’t compromise the strength of my relationship with my companion. Should this conversation happen before a first date? Maybe not. But should it happen after a couple of dates, or with a friend you often socialize with? Absolutely.
Reining it in is hard for me sometimes. I’m protective, and sometimes guys just don’t get it. When some drunk idiot won’t give it up, it’s all I can do not to kick his chair out from under him. However, I usually end up doing one of a few different things, depending on the situation: I make a joke with him, let him know that I see what he’s up to; I take it up a notch and suggest that he actually listen to what she’s saying to him; or I let him know in no uncertain terms that she is telling him to get lost, and he should do just that. And in some cases, it’s apparent that the best thing to do is pack up and call it a night. I know I’m strong. I’m know I’m masculine. And while those qualities help me, I also know that if some guy made up his mind that he was going to have his way, there would be little I could do. I hate that physical helplessness, but it’s also made me smarter. And it’s not about focusing on what I need to feel secure; it’s about preserving the relationship, no matter what.
I want to reiterate that here have been only a handful of times that a guy has been a complete asshole to me or a woman I’m with. While that’s not a high percentage, it’s enough to keep me wary and alert. In those cases, I’ve also been in a place where there were a lot of people around, strangers, who also saw what was going on, and that helped convince the guy to back off.
Society has changed. Straight bars are no longer only for heterosexuals, and gay bars aren’t always patronized by only LGBT patrons. Misunderstandings happen all the time, and I’ve actually met some pretty cool guys because of this; most of them had no idea what they were getting themselves into, and when it’s clarified for them, they tend to be very embarrassed and apologize. By the end of the night, we’re all laughing about it.
July 9th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Hey.
I just wanted to say “hello”. i have found your blog several times, and realy enjoy reading. Your writing resonates with me on some levels and also interests me. I’m mostly a blog “reader”, don’t comment much, but every now and then I find one where I wish I could meet the writer in person, you know, because I think actual conversation beats virtual most of the time.
But, since I live nowhere close to you, I will just be happy to keep reading!!
July 10th, 2010 at 12:12 am
I think you have the right idea – ask what kind of backing up they want or what kind of intervention, if any. I like to have the opportunity to respond to men’s advances myself, usually kindly at first, and then more aggressively if situation calls for it. At that point, ML’s hand is generally on the small of my back. She doesn’t say anything, but she’s right there with me. If the guy is absolutely persistent (which has happened once that I can recall) and I get exasperated/shaken, she’ll jump in with a “fuck off, mmkay?”
And those awkward “oops, my bad” moments are indeed laughable, and that’s a very good thing :)
July 10th, 2010 at 6:54 pm
This post is right along the lines of a post I recently put on my blog, titled – “Holly is my hero”. She stepped in when a guy wouldn’t back off.
When we go out, she always has an eye on me and I love her for that. I get uncomfortable around drunk men because of past experiences… she knows this and in many ways is my protector when it comes to drunk men hitting on me.
July 13th, 2010 at 12:42 am
Woah, I was thinking about something really similar the last few days. Weird vulcan mind meld going on in the blogosphere… My twist on this is that after a couple of decades of dealing with men I finally figured that one out just as my crows feet became visible enough that they lost interest. What I realized is that no one seems to openly question the right of men to pursue women in ways that frighten us. It’s weird. I mean, women question it in personal interactions, but I wonder what the hell would make a man presume that he can just behave badly toward a woman and that be OK?
Regarding your other post, I work with a guy who kind of fits the description of the guy you talked to at the barbecue. One of the best people I’ve ever met. Seriously, we have nothing in common except our profession, but wow what a jewel this fella is.
It would be high on my wish list for myself and my environment that we could all expect and receive respectful treatment. It’s a nice wish list…
July 13th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
1. This will be totally random but….I started to text you when I was reading this. Specifically, when I read:
“In any event, the look on a man’s face when he’s admiring an attractive woman is clearly different than when he’s thinking he’d like to take her out back and fuck her, whether she’s given him the time of day or not.”
While I have apologized profusely for my constant use of the word ‘fuck’ before, and you have laughed at me because you use it too, you haven’t used it with me. So, I totally blushed as if reading something I shouldn’t have.
2. That was then followed by irritation as I seem to only attract the men that do not take no for an answer. Seriously. I’m like a magnet to arrogant, disrespectful, drunken varments. I have nothing against men in general. I am not a man-hater by any means. However, nothing boils my blood faster than men disrespecting women.
3. Personally, I rarely even respond. Is it nice? No. But it isn’t because I want to be a bitch…because I truly don’t. Its that I am actually quite nervous and terrified of them. I get very anxious when men don’t take the hint.
4. So personally, I love that Boo handles it on her own. I’m all for having my own voice…which I do when I am out by myself (I even play nice). But I love it more when a butch takes control of the situation. While I am a very mouthy, sarcastic, independent woman who can defend herself if needed, I also have a secret. Just between you and me G, I am still just a vulnerable lady that believes chivalry is not dead and thinks its smokin hot when her girl steps up and takes the lead in situations like these.
July 15th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Michelle: Thanks for piping up, and I hope you comment more often. There are so many people I’ve met online with whom I’d love to have a drink, so I know exactly how you feel!
alpha: It sounds like YL and I are on the same page with this. More importantly, it sounds like you two are on the same page. I would guess that has to give you some confidence and a little bit of relief to know what to expect from her in an unpredictable scenario, no?
Becky: I love hearing stories like that – you and Holly are a good team.
Making Space: One of the underlying messages here is that very thing; some people just don’t know when to quit and have no respect for boundaries. Both men and women do it, but my issue is that it seems to get rationalized much more often when it’s from men, whereas women who overpursue get labeled “crazy,” “stalker,” etc.
ABtflDisaster: I wasn’t trying to make you blush, but I used that word intentionally to match the look I’ve seen on some men’s faces. And you know what? You don’t have to be nice. I see that so often, mostly with women – that feeling of guilt, stemming from a feeling of obligation to entertain those jerks politely.
August 19th, 2010 at 6:55 am
Leaning more towards the butch side of the spectrum I have had to save a few girls and friends from sketchy dudes on the dance floor. I really dislike when guys hit on your gf just because you’re a girl when they would never disrespect a fellow dude like that. It’s very sexist and I like to make sure that sketchy dudes cannot ‘just have their way’ when they want to esp. if it makes my girl uncomfortable. Thanks for this post on a topic I have to think about in heteronormative environs.
August 22nd, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Sora: I’m grateful that society has evolved at least a little bit, to the point that usually when a guy figures it out, he backs off (although, sometimes I have to help them figure it out). And I’ve found that usually the guys who won’t leave it alone are asshats when they interact with everyone, not just me.