There’s no crying in … well, anything
The other day I was trying to get my shit together and get out of the office on time for an important appointment I had at 5:00. I ran to grab a printout of something I needed for the appointment, and there was an amazing paper jam in the printer. We’re talking epic, accordion-style papers. I tried to fix it, but ended up calling the help desk to send someone up. I was kind of sweating it, because that printout had some sensitive information on it. I hoped that by unplugging the printer and plugging it back in that the printing queue would reset itself, but I didn’t have time to stick around to find out what happened.
I hit the freeway, breathing deeply, trying not to worry about my papers and trying to clear my head of the horrible day I had at work. Work is killing me these days in too many ways to list, so I often use my time alone in the car to decompress. I was finally relaxing a bit and thinking ahead to my appointment when I saw the car in the lane next to mine come right over and crash into me. I was in the far left lane, and she ran me out onto the shoulder of the freeway. When I honked, she flipped me off and kept going. I went from alarmed to angry in .5, pulling back into my lane and chasing her down to get her license number, then pulled up along side her to tell her to pull over (there may or may not have been some expletives involved during my mini-high speed chase). The next hour was spent waiting for and talking to the state patrolman and filling out my report. I missed my appointment, obviously, so I just went home.
When I got in the door, I nearly collapsed. Here’s something about me: I am amazingly calm and level-headed in the midst of a crisis, because the realization of what I’m actually seeing or doing doesn’t hit me until after the fact. Well, it hit me when I sat down in my chair, my hands shaking and knees weak. I felt exhausted, spent and overwhelmed. Add in the day I’d had at work, my missed appointment and all of the other things I’m juggling in my life, and all of a sudden it felt like too much, all at once.
I got that lump in my throat, and my eyes might have welled up for a moment, but then it was gone. I wasn’t trying not to cry, specifically; in fact, at one point I was bargaining with myself, telling myself I’d feel much better if I just did it to feel the release. Nothing. There are a few reasons, at least that I can see, why this happens:
Conditioning: I’ve said before that I grew up with five older brothers, who weren’t big on crying. Any time they made me cry, either from teasing or from playing too rough, their immediate reaction was to get me to shut up so they wouldn’t get in trouble. This involved cajoling, bribing, promises of bribing, distracting … you name it. Just as long as I stopped before my mom heard me. After a while, I just stopped crying in the first place so they wouldn’t have to do the damage control. Besides that, I got positive reinforcement from them when I got hurt and didn’t cry. That meant I was tough, and I liked it. Looking back, I can’t believe how tough I was during some of those incidents.
My own internal judgment: Anytime I feel on the verge of tears, there is a voice in the back of my mind that tells me to stop. To be tough. To not be such a girl. That tears are a sign of weakness. And I’ve spent so much of my life trying not to show weakness that I’ll be damned if I just start tearing up. [Sidebar: I show no such judgment if I'm tearing up during We Are Marshall, Remember the Titans, or a particularly amazing ESPN highlight or biopic.] I know in my mind that that it’s ridiculous to place those expectations on myself, but it’s difficult in the moment to change those habits. Another reminder that I still have work to do in that area. I hate feeling like an emotional black hole, drawing everything in but not ever releasing any of it back out. I don’t think crying makes me less butch or masculine or anything … but at the same time, it still feels so foreign and feminine to me.
Fear of losing control: Just because I don’t show my emotions doesn’t mean I don’t have them, because do I ever. I’m a passionate person, but I have the hardest time with that emotional expression in particular. I am scared that crying about issue x is just a crack in the dam that will eventually give way to other issues, and I’m not prepared for that. I’m much better than I used to be at paying attention to and moving through my feelings in the moment, but I still sometimes get this paralyzing fear that opening up a little bit will cause all kind of things to come to the surface. I like to be in control, and if the dam bursts, well. That’s a tough thing to rein in. Vulnerability has never been my forte.
It’s a work in progress, I know. I’m still learning that not everything can be managed, especially when it comes to emotions, and that some of my old issues coming to the surface isn’t always a bad thing. I always try to remember Leonard Cohen’s lyric – “There is a crack, a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in” – and many times, that helps.
July 19th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Glad you’re OK!
I’m not a big crier either… not sure why…but looks like you’re on the right track… be patient.
So what happened with that lady?? OMG I would be smacking the shit out of her once she pulled over!
July 19th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Wow, gotta love stupid peiople that flip you off as if your the one that had the brain mishap! As for crying, though I am feminine (uh spelling) I don’t cry much but I think it’s the field I work in. You learn that you’d cry all day long if you allowed it :) Still loving your writing. Hope your day is fanfuckingtastic!
July 19th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Whoa! I would have beat some ass if that happened to me! Did she ever pull over?
I cry at everything. I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m mad. I’m a mess. lol But it’s the only way I can manage my emotions. I am just a passionate and emotional woman. :)
I have a friend that was a lot like you. She would keep those emotions in check out of fear of losing control. There came a day when she decided to work on everything she had bottled up and it took months for her to get through everything. It was hard on her but the end result was rewarding.
I think it’s great that you are working on it. Go slow with it and do it at your own pace. That’s what she did and it seemed to work great for her. :)
July 19th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
I am also awesome in a crisis, then once things are fixed, I go have my freak out.
I am a cryer though. My dad and his dad were too– we’re those people who cry when we feel really moved by something– watching Dad & I watch Extreme Home Makeover together is pretty cute…I wish i was less of a cryer–sometimes it happens when I’d prefer it didn’t.
It’s a shame i can’t give you some of my crying– we’d both be in the middle. :)
July 19th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
geez louise, i am so glad you’re ok! what an idiot.
as for the crying, that is totally my go-to for a good release. most especially when i’m mad. but i’m not very good at crying in front of people, i just like to do it on my own. i cry in that sobbing, blubbery mess style where talking isn’t really an option. so, alone works best. ha.
i like that lyric you shared.
July 19th, 2010 at 11:34 pm
I used to never cry, and then I flipped a switch and now all sorts of things make me tear up (and often cry). Worrying that a crack will burst the dam is a valid concern, but that might not be a bad thing. In the meantime, if you need a way to release emotion, you might try something physical. I used to throw ice cubes. No harm, they melt, and the act of hurling something felt great — in fact, sometimes it would help me release whatever emotion I was hung up on. (And watching them shatter brought me satisfaction. *laughs*)
My mom is a bit like what you’re describing — hates crying because it’s weak, though she knows it’s not really. Lately, when she really needs to cry and can’t, she’s taken to watching sad movies. Maybe try that. ;)
J
July 20th, 2010 at 2:19 am
I don’t know if crying is particularly a feminine thing to do (maybe just the association thereof?), since I’m super femme and I don’t do crying. And for the same reasons – I’m tough man. I’m strong. I am not vunerable. I am in control.
I’ve recently figured out one of the only things that makes me cry: sit me down in therapy and ask me about something that makes my heart hurt. IT DRIVES ME INSANE. It takes minutes (minutes!) to control myself.
Anyway, I’m thinking maybe that I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe not allowing myself to feel on the pretense of being tough isn’t very brave.
July 20th, 2010 at 3:22 am
I’m really super glad you’re ok. Crazy people…
As for crying, I was a crier for years. Cried at every little thing, except, of course, movies. It was like my emotional check valve and once I got the crying out, I felt better. I think my mom always wondered why she got stuck with the kid who cried buckets over ‘nothing’!
Your line, “vulnerability has never been my thing” stuck out to me. Is crying an indication someone is vulnerable? Is vulnerability a bad thing? I know that the moment I fell in love with my ex was when I realized she wasn’t some crazy tough marine who could take on the world anymore, but a rather vulnerable, sick, scared adult. Hmmm…food for thought.
Again, glad you’re ok and there are some people who find tears incredibly sexy…
July 20th, 2010 at 8:28 pm
Ya, for years, I wasn’t a crier. Through my whole relationship with my ex I wasn’t a crier. And then when she broke up with me, suddenly I was a fucking crier! What?! And ever since then I am a *crier.* I cry a lot. And usually over pretty minor things. Crying provides that release I need to be able to physically and emotionally relax again.
So uh… maybe you need to get your heart broken? Hmm. I don’t think that’s quite what I’m actually trying to say…
July 20th, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Dang, I can’t believe the nerve of some drivers!! I definitely sympathize with the no crying deal, my dad would always tell me as a kid that crying was weakness, so now I don’t cry. For me, it’s not such a big thing because I realized that while I may not cry, I still feel emotions and I can show it in other ways. Hope it starts working out for you soon! And p.s. jobs really suck sometimes :-/
July 20th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
Tina: I wanted to go all ninja-style on her, but I refrained, since I knew the cops would be arriving shortly. She still deserved it, though!
Marcy: I can totally understand not crying with the work you do. But hey, if I give you her license plate number, can you take care of her for me?
Becky: Yes, she did pull over – it just took her a couple of miles. My mom and sisters are the same as you, where they can express themselves pretty easily. Believe me, I don’t want to keep it bottled up. I’m working on it, slowly but surely.
Beelisty: Is there some sort of transplant available for that?
kaitlin: Yeah, when I can finally manage to squeeze out some tears, it’s not a pretty sight. Oy. Probably because when it happens, I’m making up for lost time.
JB: I’m going to try that sad movie thing! If I have to put one of my sports movies on repeat, I will make it happen! Also, thanks for the reminder about the physical outlet. I don’t get much anxiety/relief from the gym, but the batting cages? That’s another story. Let me go get some quarters …
Aneke: I don’t think that crying has to be restricted to feminine people; my judgment is purely about myself (so healthy!). Sitting in my therapy sessions used to bring out some emotions, since my therapist knew just how to pry them loose.
Ashley: About the vulnerability: I don’t feel that crying is that way for everyone. That’s just how I feel when I’m struggling with it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with vulnerability, but I used to equate it with weakness. It’s just incredibly difficult for me to feel vulnerable and exposed without feeling fear at the same time. I’m working on learning that vulnerability doesn’t have to hurt.
Alpha: Thanks for the uh, advice … ha! Actually, the most recent period in my life when I was the most emotional was during a painful split from an ex a few years ago, so I’ve been there before. I’d like to get to the point where I view it as that release, rather than associating it with pain every time (becauseif I don’t cry, then it doesn’t hurt, right?! My logic is so kickass).
Kristyn: I’ve been in a lot of situations where it was a weakness to cry – with my brothers and as a competitive collegiate athlete, to name a couple. But I’m working on learning other ways of getting it out of my system, and hopefully that will help.
July 24th, 2010 at 8:47 am
That’s good that you’re okay. Scary!
I normally don’t cry. I hate crying. But I’ll spend months bottling things up, bottling things up, and then suddenly I just lose it—usually when I’m sleep deprived and feeling overwhelmed/stressed with work/school. Then, the tears are no longer in my control and I really lose it…great crocodile sobs over nothing in particular. I’ll sit there with tears streaming down my face, grumbling that I’m “fine, thanks, this is stupid, I don’t KNOW what it is,” etc. etc. until whichever unfortunate soul is in the vicinity leaves or, worse, gives me a hug—which only makes me cry harder. And it IS stupid—if I’m going to cry, I’d rather have a good reason.. But in situations where I’m required to summon a proper emotional response (sad movies, breakups, etc) I shut down. I’m not sure why—am I trying to be the strong one? Or am I trying to pretend that if I don’t cry, I don’t feel the emotions? Hmmm…
July 24th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
Bronwie: I have followed a lot of the same patterns. It’s much easier for me to shut it all down than to just feel (“If I’m not crying or emoting, then I’m fine”), but I’ve learned the hard way that it all comes back eventually. I’m working on feeling more in the moment, so it doesn’t come out sideways later.
July 25th, 2010 at 1:33 am
I’m so glad you are alright. It’s alright to do whatever brings you relief in the moment. Once the adrenaline gets that high and stays that high for as long as it probably did that day, it probably takes a variety of strategies to dissipate the energy. Whatever brings relief works.