What do you know?
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, and that has bled over into my blogging mojo. I feel like I have a lot in my head, but it’s not really making a lot of sense.
I thought it might help to simplify, to get back to the basics. I’ve read a couple of blog posts lately that really resonated with me. A while back a post over at The Femme Domestic described getting the inspiration to just write what she knows. That’s it! I’ll write what I know. Done. But then I started thinking: what do I know?
Not to be a smartass, but the answer to that is I don’t know. I suppose I know about music. Sports. Psychology. Growing up gay in a large, Mormon family. The military. My professional field of work. Photography. Current events. What it’s like to live in the west. And the east. And the midwest. And the south. I feel like I know a little about everything; credit that to my curiosity and passion for learning. The phrase jack of all trades, master of none could’ve been coined for me. I don’t know that I’m ever sure of something until I arrive there to recognize yes, this is what I want.
Is that what I know? That I am a chameleon, and I always have been? I can adapt like no one’s business. I’ve always been able to find my way around, learn the ropes, or pick up the accent in short order. My therapist once told me that in her 20+ years of counseling, she’d never seen someone mask as well and as seamlessly as I did (look up Carl Jung + mask, if you’re so inclined). The competitive person that I am, I took that as a compliment at first. I’d spent so much time acting the way I thought I was supposed to that I forgot about myself, forgot about my emotions and thoughts. It took a while to unravel all of that, and it still comes up from time to time.
What does all of this mean? It means I’m recommitting to write with authenticity and intention. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but then Alphafemme wrote about re-connecting, and that gave me the push I needed. It’s not that I ever don’t write that way, but sometimes it’s easy for me to get gun-shy when it comes to revealing things about myself. It scares the hell out of me, actually. I’ve spent so long avoiding making in-depth connections; if people don’t truly know me, they can’t truly hurt me, right? But then I remember why I started this blog in the first place: not to write what I think anyone else wants, but to talk about my experiences, in my voice. That’s what I know.
So what if I’m all over the map; as long as it’s my map, I’ll go wherever the hell I please.
July 26th, 2010 at 6:38 am
Wise words my friend, I look forward to following you on your travels of the self.
July 26th, 2010 at 7:40 am
“So what if I’m all over the map; as long as it’s my map, I’ll go wherever the hell I please.”
Some of the most fascinating posts that I have read have been all over the map. It’s the author’s voice and authenticity that makes reading their thought both fun and intriguing. I happen to classify your blog in that same catagory. (fun and intriguing)
July 26th, 2010 at 11:12 am
this is my favorite, “But then I remember why I started this blog in the first place: not to write what I think anyone else wants, but to talk about my experiences, in my voice.”
i think i speak for a lot of us when i say that i love to hear about your experiences. they make us smile, they make us laugh, they might sometimes make us cry, they almost always make us think, and they always, ALWAYS leave us wanting more.
you’re amazing. thank you for sharing your journey with us, friendy.
July 26th, 2010 at 5:53 pm
I’m with Kaitlin…she’s right. Your posts, no matter what they are, make me smile, they make me cry, they make me THINK! Thanks for that.
And, well, they make me swoon over you that much more. ;)
July 26th, 2010 at 6:23 pm
Yep. I feel like we’re in each other’s heads or something. I know exactly what you mean about masking and seamlessness. I’ve been that person too. It still sometimes feels like a revelation when I identify something that’s MINE (something emotional or intellectual, that is).
And to echo the others, I do so love and appreciate what you do here.
July 26th, 2010 at 7:59 pm
Do you know what I’m realizing? That masking doesn’t really keep me from getting hurt – because the lonely that comes from the hiding also hurts. Possibly more than the potential for hurt from being more open. I’m working on it. Not always successfully but I am. As for you, I agree with Kaitlin. We read you because you we love your writing, your thought process, your humor, the lot of it. Go wherever the hell you want. I am looking forward to seeing where you end up. PS I gave your URL to a friend of mine who says she reads you religiously now because it’s as if you are writing *her* life. She’s just too shy to comment and tell you.
July 26th, 2010 at 10:27 pm
Rock on, dude, and stick it to The Man. :)
July 26th, 2010 at 11:29 pm
Good gracious. I was just thinking about what I want to say and if I really really want to say THAT about myself and my journey, although I can’t stop thinking about IT, and then I come here and read this. Dude, if you can do it I can too. Yes. Thanks for the inspiration.
July 27th, 2010 at 5:29 am
So I looked up Carl Jung + masks (trust me to do that), and yup. I’ve been told the same thing. Actually, yesterday my therapist told me that I’m an emotional con artist. And that actually gave my inner immature teenager a kick for about 0.2 seconds. That would be my competitive ‘you can’t pin me down’ side coming out.
So this, I understand this. I’ve made the decision to feel the fear and do it anyway. I am learning to live authentically, to allow my emotions whatever they might be, and not to let the threat of being hurt hinder me in any way.
It’s hard.
July 27th, 2010 at 5:47 am
PS. Also, re blogging – I just really enjoy hearing what you have to say. I relate to a lot of what you write about, you often make me think. I like that :)
July 28th, 2010 at 10:25 am
Being authentic is probably the hardest yet bravest thing one can do. I know this first hand. I have shied away from my blog for this very reason. I have been struggling a lot lately and instead of writing it out…my thoughts feelings insecurities…i have occassionaly tweeted something when i couldn’t bear the burden alone any longer. But even then, just as my parents were when I was growing up, I realize I have become The Great Pretender. It is easy to talk about things on a surface level. But it takes courage, bravery, strength, and vulnerability to talk…or write…at a truly raw, heart level.
I always enjoy your writings…you know this. I enjoy our conversations and the fact that you are a dependable, faithful friend. So I encourage you to set your fears aside, and let those around you, both in real life and in the blogosphere, be dependable, faithful friends to you as well…trust us with your heart. I know you won’t have any regrets.
August 1st, 2010 at 9:48 pm
To all of you who commented: I’d like to give you my thanks. I really appreciate the fact that you read anything I have to say, quite honestly, and I’m grateful that it can connect us all in some way. I don’t ever take that for granted; your support and willingness to share this blog with me constantly humble me. Okay, someone tell a joke! (And if you can name the movie that line is from, you win.)
A few specific things:
FFG: A pox on your friend being too shy. She can comment anonymously! Oh, and thanks for passing my URL along.
ABtfl: You know, it’s funny; I pride myself on being that dependable, loyal friend, and I think nothing of sacrificing for those in my life who need a little help. But to ask for it in return is so hard for me. I’m working on it, though. Thanks for the encouragement.