First crush
Ah, first crushes. We all had them, right?
(I’m going to go RIGHT AHEAD and skip over my unofficial first crush that was in fifth grade because it was a BOY, and we already know how that whole thing turned out. But I will say that because of him, I taught myself how to wolf whistle, except without using my fingers, which makes it cooler. Thanks RF, I owe you one.)
The first crush I REALLY had was my sophomore year in high school. I had little crushes before this, sure – like my brainiac friend in junior high, or that cute volleyball teammate my freshman year in high school, to name a couple – but this is kind of the one I look back on and realize yep, CRUSH.
M was another volleyball teammate, but she was from a high school in another part of town. We played on a competitive travel team together, so that meant a lot of practicing, driving and playing in tournaments together on the weekends. Plus, just by the very nature of becoming teammates, we spent a lot time together. Those of you who have played team sports understand this, and for those of you who don’t, just know that countless hours are spent by coaches and teams to develop bonds of trust and friendship in the hopes that teammates will perform better under duress on the court if they get along with each other off the court. We played games, listened to sports therapists, and went to ropes course after ropes course in an effort to get to know and trust one another.
M and I just naturally gravitated toward each other anyway, since we had similar personalities and played similar positions on the court. We were constantly in line next to each other in drills and sat next to each other during time outs. If we had down time between games at tournaments, we played cards, listened to music or tried to catnap. Plus, she was CUTE. Bright blue sparkly eyes (see, I paid attention to her eyes) and a killer smile.
I didn’t understand the attraction; I wasn’t even savvy enough to realize I WAS attracted to her, not at that point. But I did know I loved making her laugh, loved spending time with her, and loved it when she sought me out after practice or to hang out on the weekends after our games. I didn’t really get why my arm would feel like it was electric when she rested her hand on it, or why I was secretly delighted when she would describe how horrible her date was from the previous weekend.
Toward the end of my sophomore year, while traveling home from a tournament, I was involved in a serious car accident (let’s just say, I flew through the air like a lawn dart). During the next few months as I was recovering from my injuries, I began to really question whether I wanted to play for the travel team again the next spring; increasing the chances of getting in another accident was the last thing I wanted to do. M approached me at our end-of-season team meeting to see what I was going to do.
M: Are you going to play next year? Please say yes.
G: I don’t know … I can’t decide.
M: Please? For me? I’m going to hate playing if you’re not there.
G: I want to play, I just don’t want to travel.
M: So how about this. I’ll buy you Dramamine, and you can just put your head on my lap and sleep the whole way to wherever we’re playing that weekend.
G: *blink blink*
I totally played the next year. Duh.
What about you? Any notable first (okay, or second) crushes?
September 15th, 2009 at 8:37 am
G – you are quite possibly the funniest woman I know. Seriously. This cracked me up. I read the first paragraph to Scintellectual over the phone. You’re a hoot.
September 16th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
FFG: Aw, thanks. My whole goal with writing is for people to hear things in my voice, so I guess it’s working!
September 15th, 2009 at 9:09 am
…and so, of course, I had to read the rest myself. My first crush (after adolescence) was on a girl who is COMPLETELY not my type. If am high femme, she is like…standing on Mt. Olympus. Really. Soooo not for me. But there you have it. Two juniors in high school who were competing to see how many boys they could sleep with and how many drugs they could do (yeah…I know…let’s gloss over the fact that I even said that). Anyway, we had a lot of sleepovers and, get this, she slept NAKED! Right next to me!!! Needless to say, It was very, very hard to actually get some sleep when my nerves were jangling like the bells on Rudolf’s harness. Nothing ever happened…I never felt a “come hither” vibe from her and was still 3 years from having my first “real experience.” I got back in touch with her recently. She is now High Roman Catholic with six kids and so far to the right I can’t even see where she’s standing. Go figure.
September 16th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Scintellectual: I also had a friend in high school who liked to have sleepovers with me, and let’s just say – it was more like a lay-in-bedover, because I got no sleep due to the sirens going off in my head. I haven’t seen her since she graduated, so I have no idea where she is now. Probably a good thing!
September 15th, 2009 at 10:49 am
My first girl crush was at 15. I was a sophmore and she was a senior. I had heard through other people that she was bisexual and that only enticed me more. I knew I was smitten!
One night, I stayed over her house. That was the first time I had ever been with a woman. It was fantastic! Now looking back on the sexual experience and knowing what I know now – it could have definitely been better. BUT for a 15 year old – it was fantastic! :)
She broke my heart when she decided to ‘break up’ with me for a boy.
Not too long ago – I found her on facebook. She is married and has two children. To see her now makes me wonder why I was ever interested to begin with.
September 16th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
2moms: Good on you for getting right to it as a soph! It would be a couple more years until I finally did something about my attraction to women. Oh well, apparently I’ve made up for lost time since then.
September 15th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I MUST hear this wolf whistle. Please do it at totally inappropriate times.
Also, I might be laughing – OUT LOUD – at the *blink blink* response.
September 16th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Rebecca: I will call and wolf whistle into your voicemail. You are going to love it.
And wait, I made you laugh OUT LOUD? My job here is done.
September 15th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Hottie says her first crush was on the volleyball team! Damn, what was I doing losing out on the soccer team?!?
My first highschool crush was a girl in the group of friends I had. She was short, spunky, full of attitude, and I did damn near everything to make sure we’d spend the weekends together.
September 16th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Dawg: No worries, I have known quite a few hot soccer players, too. But volleyball is where it was at for me (and apparently Hottie, too!). Spunky and full of attitude? Sounds like you’ve kept that streak alive … Hottie seems to have just a little of those two qualities.
September 15th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
What an utterly charming post! I wish I could share a good story but alas all my crushes were on boys until college, when I saw the light. Does playing doctor count? I believe I had a certain predilection for that game…
xo
SF
September 16th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
SF: Of course playing doctor counts. Or playing house. Or any other role-playing game, for that matter. I used to be my next-door neighbor’s “boyfriend” when we played um, whatever stupid game we played, where we pretended my bike was a motorcycle so she could sit on the back of my seat and wrap her arms around me while we rode around the neighborhood.
Whoa, I just now remembered that whole memory. I might owe you some money for that therapy session.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:07 am
I had a huge crush in High school on one of the other drama techies. I think drama has much the same bondy-team dynamic as a sport except you don’t have to play volleyball so it’s obviously much better. We actually went to prom together, very technically. Perhaps the best benefit of having a huge crush on one of your best friend’s while being massively in the closet is that they will change in front of you and possibly make lewd comments about your underwear.
September 16th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Sabayon: Maybe drama was good for the costume changes, but we had some seriously awesome short shorts in volleyball. And you went to prom together? What’s the “technically” part? Sounds interesting.
September 16th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
At my school couples paid less per person for prom tickets and on top of that she was a junior so couldn’t get her own tickets anyway. So she was my officially registered date and we each saved five bucks.
Also costume changes are so surprisingly non-sexual, but doing someone’s makeup is surprisingly hot.
September 17th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
It’s so funny that your first crush was a fellow teammate. Reading your descriptions of how it felt rekindled the nerve ending zazzle that I used to get for my first crush – who also was a teammate.
Her name was Briana, though everyone called her Breezy because she was so damn fast. She was our softball team’s shortstop and, hands down, best player. She always was hitting homers, her infielding was impeccable, and she ran faster than any of us. She was everything I wasn’t and perhaps that’s what started my fascination with her, but I know now that they are not what kept it going.
She was gorgeous, a total tomboy, jock with huge blue eyes and brown hair. I remember I loved her arms – so long and lean and muscular, and whenever she would bend down to catch a ball or pick something up, I remember her totally lickable forearm veins would jut out in all directions. she was this huge enigma to me, everything about her seemed extraordinary and special.
She intimidated the shit out of me, though. She was so good and I was so new to the game, and while other people would get frustrated with my lack of skill, she was patient with me and taught me things. She was my Benny Rodriguez from The Sandlot. She drove me to get so much better at the game – whether it was because I wanted her attention, respect and admiration, or whether I just wanted to be good…though I think we both know which one it was. I always sat by her in the dugout and tried to run next to her in practice drills. It was crazy.
She ended up leaving our team for good when the season was over to play for an All-Star travel team. I remember asking her if she would be returning, if only for our summer league, and she said probably not. I remember it felt like all of my love and intensity for the game was vacuumed out. I even joined our school’s basketball club (another sport I knew nothing about) just so I could see her on a weekly basis.
It’s down-right dizzying recounting all of these memories. How crazy that I didn’t get it, that I didn’t see how totally GAY I was. Maybe I did on some subconcious level, but otherwise I was completely oblivious. Sorry for the length!
September 17th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
AYL: Thanks for visiting! Isn’t it funny to have something spark a memory? Then you can just let it run and see where it goes. It’s so crazy to me as well to think back on certain instances and wonder why in the hell I didn’t just KNOW. I was kind of oblivious too, which just makes me laugh now. The girl I had a crush on had the same effect on me (obviously), and I viewed her much the same way as it sounds like you viewed Breezy.
September 20th, 2009 at 1:00 am
gotta love the *blink blink* butch-in-the-headlights look… *grin* thanks for the mental picture on an otherwise dull Saturday night!
~k
September 21st, 2009 at 7:53 pm
hmm, my first self-aware crush was definitely in college. she was a senior and totally way too cool for me (in that uncool subculture cool kind of way). i totally joined a club so i could hang out with her (yeah…). but, seriously – she rode a unicycle around campus! i was powerless!
whoa, and your tag cloud rotates. you’re awesome (sorry i’m lame and spazzy tonight).
September 23rd, 2009 at 8:10 am
Lady Brett: She rode a unicycle around campus? That might be the coolest thing I’ve ever heard. No wonder you didn’t stand a chance.
And yeah, the tag cloud spins around! Don’t look at it late at night; it’s rather hypnotic.