Heavy lifting
Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that my chatter about working out has increased in the past few months. I played in a softball and basketball league for the better part of the summer, and one day in early July I decided to get a little more serious about it.
I started working out at a local park, doing an hour of cardio and sets of push-ups. In the last couple of weeks of that workout, I was doing 250+ push-ups per session. The weather has grown wetter and colder, as it tends to do in the fall, so I joined a gym. I’m still doing the cardio, but have switched to weight training, which I particularly love and have missed since I was last working out regularly. One thing I love about my body is that it responds quickly; since I started working out, I’ve lost about 15 pounds. My pants are loose, but my shirt sleeves are fit more tightly around my arms.
There’s something to this though, something that is a little deeper for me than just getting back in shape. Sure, the exercise is a plus, and I love that post-workout high. But the way my body looks and feels plays a huge part in my identity. I know so many people who also say that, so bear with me. Everything from my height to my build to the way I move all figures into my comfort zone of feeling bigger. Stronger. Dominant. And yes, more masculine.
I’ve had exes tell me before that I’m built more like a guy than a girl, besides the obvious physical differences. I don’t really have hips to speak of or any kind of curves, really – and I like it that way. I know I radiate a very intentional, tangible “don’t mess with me” vibe when I want to, and I like that I don’t get a lot of shit – if any – from guys. I’m never the tallest one in the room, but I know at 5’11″ that I can hold more than my own. I have been out with female friends more than once when guys have accidentally bumped into my friend, but apologized to me; asked if I’m cool with them playing pool on an adjacent table; or talked to one of my friends, then worked nervously to reassure me that they weren’t trying to cause any problems or step on my toes. The list goes on, but you get the idea.
Dating and relationships carry that energy, too. I try to be very conscious of the way I take care of the women with whom I choose to spend my time. Being protective and chivalrous toward them is very important to me. Part of the reason I keep myself strong physically is so I can take care of them. There’s never been a situation where I’ve felt I couldn’t take care of the woman who is with me, whether it’s putting my hand on the small of her back to guide her through a restaurant or taking her hand and doing the work of parting the crowd at a concert so she doesn’t have to bump into everyone, or just being physically present to give her one more line of defense among strangers. So even though it’s an emotional and mental consideration, it’s rooted very deeply in my physical ability to execute it.
I won’t get into the sexual aspect of it, because I don’t consider myself a sex blogger; there are much better writers telling those stories, and I’m too private to reveal that about myself anyway. But I can definitely say that my strength and build – and the fact that I’m so completely opposite from the femme women I’m attracted to – are definitely part of the physical and mental dynamic. I’ve never dated a woman as tall or taller than me, and while I’ve dated very active or athletic women, none of them were built like me. I’d compare it to how a very feminine woman tends to bring out my masculine energy even more, and I’d say the same goes for the physical give and take.
And now I’m interested in hearing your feedback. Not about me, but about you. Are there things you do to physically match up your body with your energy? Are there physical features you look for in others that complement your energy?
October 20th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
That is EXACTLY what I look like when I work out.
Really.
And, yes, I have been working out. The funny thing (although maybe just to me) is that the way my body looks IN MY HEAD is pretty well unrelated to the way it actually looks. Which is weird and frustrating and annoying. So partially, I guess I’m trying to get my actual body to more closely resemble what I think it is, but, also, because there’s a physique that I want that I’ve never had. And because the things that I’ve always wanted to do require that physique that I’ve never had.
And in the next month or two, I want to take my gym’s “Women on Weights” course, because I know next to nothing about strength training, and that’s annoying and kind of intimidating and, also, probably more than a little stagnating.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Cheree: You should definitely take the weight training course. I think weights are empowering to master, and even better to use on a regular basis. I’d recommend it to any woman. Let me know how it goes!
October 20th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I like yoga because it makes me feel like I’m in my body, instead of it being this awkward, separate THING. I haven’t done it in quite a while, though. As for other people, I do tend to prefer that my friends be ninjas. Or princesses.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Rebecca: That’s exactly how I feel – like I’m in my body while I work out. It feels good to actually feel it working. And if you like princesses and ninjas, you’re in luck!
October 20th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
what a photo!
hmm, interesting question. i think body image is one of the reasons i don’t work out, actually (nevermind a total lack of willpower). i always, always wish i were in better shape (because i’m ashamed that i was more badass at 12 than i ever will be again), but i don’t want to be buff.
i think it has a lot to do with the way my mind/energy matches up to my body. i’m really awfully used to being who i am, inside and out, and i feel like i would be wearing a costume if i were to (say) weight train and get big muscles.
i don’t know that i have particular features i go for with regard to this. but i do like the idea of dating someone who is definitely stronger than me. i never have (well, there were guys, but they were all respectful and long before i discovered power dynamics ;). oh well.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Lady Brett: This is the part where I try not to get all muscle-geeky. The working out wouldn’t make you buff. Some women get a little bigger when they weight train, just based on their body type, but there are ways to work out that don’t make you buff at all – they just tone up a body. That being said, if you don’t like it – you don’t like it! For me, I work out in such a way that I’m going for more bulk, but no matter how much I do that I won’t get really buff since I don’t have enough testosterone in my body to do that.
Geez, I’m a nerd. Getting off my soapbox now …
October 28th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
don’t worry, honey, i highly appreciate geekery of all types – especially regarding subjects i’m fairly ignorant of!
October 20th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
I can’t wait to share this with my good, ever-so-slightly bisexual friend, who is (respectfully) fascinated by the whole butch / femme dynamic. You explain the more internal mechanics of the external workings so nicely!
October 25th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
SBJ: Share away! I’m always happy when I say something that resonates with someone else, mostly because it can be a tough thing to express.
Oh, and the phrase “ever-so-slightly bisexual friend” cracked me up. Thanks for that!
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:19 am
Great post. I have never worked out until very recently when I started weights. It is a conscious (and sub-conscious)effort to “bulk up”. For the first time in my life I’m not hiding who I am and that’s being reflected in my efforts to make myself physically bigger.
Also I really love the idea of flexing my muscles to impress my wife!
October 26th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Holden: It’s a good feeling, isn’t it? Both the working out and the not hiding. I know I look different from the other females at the gym, and I love it. I used to feel a little uncomfortable when I got the stares as I was lifting with the guys in the free weights area, but now I love it. And hey, if the wife is impressed with the muscles? Maybe there are some sweet fringe benefits in it for you.
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:50 am
I was really interested to read this as I have been thinking very much about how I relate to my body and how that affects the rest of my life, I should probably just write my own post about it. For me coming to accept my body for what it is is completely linked with learning to accept my sexuality for what it is; I think a major part of repressing my sexuality in my teen years was about disconnecting myself from my body and it’s feelings. In the past couple of years I have been working to more fully inhabit and accept my body, mostly by taking up yoga and more recently re-learning ballet, which has been so amazing for feeling how I move through space. This experience has really changed my feeling about my sexuality, mostly making me more comfortable being fully femme, and understanding that my body can be soft, yielding, graceful, yet still fully capable and strong.
Sorry if that got a bit long, but I loved reading your very different perspective on something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.
October 26th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Sabayon: I know a bit about the subject, from growing up in a culture that really preaches ignoring your physical body (except to reproduce, yay!). People can ignore their bodies all they want, but they’re stuck with them. And it’s amazing what it can do for a person to just get centered within it every once in a while. Thanks for your perspective.
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:18 am
Well. I’m femme, with a very feminine body. I have breasts and I like them! That said, I like to exercise because I like to feel powerful – I’m independent and like being able to take care of myself, so I suppose there’s a connection there.
As I’ve matured emotionally the relationship between self and body matured too. I know I’m not perfect but now I’m grateful for the physical body I have. It serves me well.
I don’t have a certain type that I’m attracted to, but I always admire an athletic body.
October 26th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Aneke: “As I’ve matured emotionally the relationship between self and body matured too. I know I’m not perfect but now I’m grateful for the physical body I have.” You said it perfectly – can you please write my next post, too?
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:28 pm
As you might have noticed, I like to tell you how buff you are. A. Because you are. B. Because it’s one way that I live vicariously through your buffness.
I have a feminine body. Duh. No arguing with that. But despite my feminine curves, there’s a power that comes with my body and I like that. I wish I had the discipline to work out more regularly because I like to feel like I have something to do with the way my body looks and feels, rather than allowing it to just be. As if by chance. By body also responds very well when I actually am in the habit of working out regularly. It gives me a very real sense of having control over what happens to me.
Also, I just feel really hot. I’ll take it.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
KellyGirl: I like it when you say how buff I am, because then I totally believe it. And don’t worry, we can share muscles. I think.
And you are hot! When you get back, we will work out together and be buff all at the same time.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
I abso-freaking-lutely love this. So much.
I’ve noticed that I emit different energies around different women. I can’t say that I’m a butch or a femme, or that I’m attracted to butches or femmes, because the answer to both questions is “both.” For instance, there’s a girl at school that I’m currently SOO crushing on. I think she’s a French exchange student and I don’t even know her name, but I’ve noticed that she leaves class during my lunch time and always walks by and looks at me. She’s very feminine but I’m pretty positive she’s gay, and I notice that when I see her, I totally butch it up. The way I walk, the way I hold myself, and the way I talk completely changes. In contrast, though, we went to a lesbian bar the other night and there were some exceedingly hot masculine women. I took down my long hair and altogether acted more feminine, I guess to compliment their masculinity. It’s subconscious and it’s not something I realize until after I’m already doing it.
I think it’s fascinating, the whole concept of energies. I get frustrated sometimes not being able to pinpoint my own, but then again–there’s something very comfortable about being in between.
[If I had to, though, I would say that someone a lot like you is my type. That's not me hitting on you, I just recognize how attracted I am to women with what you describe as your energy. So interesting!]
October 27th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Lauren: Isn’t it really just kind of cool how fluid personal energy can be? I want to say more, but I’m actually going to save it for my comment on your blog post. I’m that nice.
October 26th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Ah, yes. Physicality is always fascinating to me, and I really enjoy these comments in discussion and response.
I was a dancer-kid. My mom believed herself an incurable klutz and wanted my sister and me to have more grace. For years we did that makeup-and-big-hair dance pageant thing, looking like little Jon-Benet Ramseys. When I rejected those signifiers of femininity in late adolescence, I threw out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak. Things I genuinely enjoyed about body expression were tossed aside for a decade or more.
In the past few years, I’ve enjoyed coming home to myself, reclaiming the things from my childhood of pageantry that I liked. From my dance and movement background, I’ve found ease and comfort with twirling circles around my body, and the smell and sound of fire takes the experience to a place that feels remarkably familiar.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Mossie: I always find it so interesting to see the way individuals physically manifest themselves, either intentionally or not. I’ve known several people who had experiences similar to what it sounds like you had, ditching whole segments of their lives just to come back to it later, on their own terms. Good on you for finding something that works for you.