So yes, I get along with men pretty well. It’s a necessity; they’re everywhere these days. But there’s a distinct difference in how I act when I’m out on my own versus when I’m out with a date or female friend.
I’m much more guarded, for the benefit of both me and my companion. I still like to have a good time, but I’m watching everything and everyone. I notice when a man walks by a little more closely than he should, or pays a little too much attention to her from the bar. I stand taller, walk a little more aggressively, drink less and sit between her and the sketchy guy at the next table who can’t stop looking at her or at us.
I figure one of the reasons that this happens is because they’re checking out my friend or date. There is the occasion when a guy will flirt with me, but it’s so rare and laughable that I don’t often think about it. In any event, the look on a man’s face when he’s admiring an attractive woman is clearly different than when he’s thinking he’d like to take her out back and fuck her, whether she’s given him the time of day or not.
There’s another angle, too. If it’s a date, and a guy figures this out, that can change everything. I’ve heard everything from fascination (“Oh, hey – can I watch?”) to optimism (“You just haven’t met the right guy yet”) to confusion (“How can you be that hot and not like cock?!”) to denial (“Spend a night with me, and I’ll turn you straight”) to anger, which usually then gets blamed on me (“You couldn’t get a man if you tried,” “No wonder you’re a dyke – you look like a dude” or “You better watch it. Some guy will change her mind”).
I feel like there is a delicate way to handle these conflicts. If a guy starts coming on to her, I feel like it is her right and responsibility to respond to him in a way that helps her maintain her autonomy and power. If I jumped in every time that happened, I’d be doing it a lot, and it would only make me look jealous. But more importantly, in my opinion, my knee jerk reaction would take away from her the ability to express herself with conviction; he should hear it come from her mouth that she’s not interested (for whatever reason). The last thing I want him to think is that she’s too vulnerable to speak on her own or that because I intervened, she might feel differently.
This isn’t to say she’s on her own. I’ve found that it helps to have this conversation at some point with my date/friend. I ask how they handle these situations. I ask if they can think of a situation where they’d like me to get involved and, if so, at what point they start feeling like they need some support. Is it the third time he asks? Is it when he puts his hand on her arm? I want the women I go out with to have a comfort level, to know they’re not alone. We all need someone to have our back sometime, you know? There might be idiots out there that start shit – we’ve all seen it – but running into them shouldn’t compromise the strength of my relationship with my companion. Should this conversation happen before a first date? Maybe not. But should it happen after a couple of dates, or with a friend you often socialize with? Absolutely.
Reining it in is hard for me sometimes. I’m protective, and sometimes guys just don’t get it. When some drunk idiot won’t give it up, it’s all I can do not to kick his chair out from under him. However, I usually end up doing one of a few different things, depending on the situation: I make a joke with him, let him know that I see what he’s up to; I take it up a notch and suggest that he actually listen to what she’s saying to him; or I let him know in no uncertain terms that she is telling him to get lost, and he should do just that. And in some cases, it’s apparent that the best thing to do is pack up and call it a night. I know I’m strong. I’m know I’m masculine. And while those qualities help me, I also know that if some guy made up his mind that he was going to have his way, there would be little I could do. I hate that physical helplessness, but it’s also made me smarter. And it’s not about focusing on what I need to feel secure; it’s about preserving the relationship, no matter what.
I want to reiterate that here have been only a handful of times that a guy has been a complete asshole to me or a woman I’m with. While that’s not a high percentage, it’s enough to keep me wary and alert. In those cases, I’ve also been in a place where there were a lot of people around, strangers, who also saw what was going on, and that helped convince the guy to back off.
Society has changed. Straight bars are no longer only for heterosexuals, and gay bars aren’t always patronized by only LGBT patrons. Misunderstandings happen all the time, and I’ve actually met some pretty cool guys because of this; most of them had no idea what they were getting themselves into, and when it’s clarified for them, they tend to be very embarrassed and apologize. By the end of the night, we’re all laughing about it.
