"can i help you, sir?"

I followed the notes from the Femme Collective conference throughout the weekend, and seeing the energy and solidarity there inspired me and got me thinking about all of the things I love about femmes. So I thought hey, why not write it all down?

I’ve seen posts here and there about femme role models, and you know what? I have femme role models, too. I didn’t have any butch role models; my dad was the closest thing to that, but his guidance was unintentional and therefore, a bit distant. But the femmes in my life have been critical to my growth and development as a butch. You haven’t just taught me how to treat a woman; you’ve shown me how a woman likes to be treated. And in that process, I’ve found myself.

You’re soft. You’re strong. You’re the perfect intersection of hold me and don’t fuck with me. And when you do let me hold you, it feels like a gift. You’ve got the sweetest and dirtiest mouth. You bolster me up and give me the strength to deal with society, all the while fighting for your own visibility and respect. I’ve argued with you, and I’ve adored you. You’ve taught me how to really listen. Your touch brings me comfort when no one else understands. Your words soothe, entertain, stimulate and excite me. When I meet a sexy femme with a smart mouth and sharp mind? I’m a goner.

You’re a comforting mystery to me; I know I won’t always understand you, but I get solace from the fact that I don’t always NEED to, because our differences make us a better duo. You take such impeccable care of and pride in yourself, yet you smile and accept my rough edges and difficult ways. I might grumble if you tell me “Ten more minutes,” but that just builds the anticipation because I know at the end of those ten minutes, I’m the one who gets to see how beautiful you look. Your energy is so different from mine, but that’s precisely the balance I need on the other side of my scale.

I’m not quite sure how to explain this next part, but your appreciation of me is both humbling and empowering. You know I’m not trying to be tough, but I’m guarded; and somehow, you know just the way through that barricade. You like me strong, and you like me vulnerable. I live in this world of gray area between male and female, masculinity and femininity, and you don’t just accept or tolerate it – you love me for it, when precious few in my life do. Do you even understand how much that endears you to me?

It’s an honor and a pleasure to know you and to be loved by you. I hope you realize that you are loved in return.

So yes, I get along with men pretty well. It’s a necessity; they’re everywhere these days. But there’s a distinct difference in how I act when I’m out on my own versus when I’m out with a date or female friend.

I’m much more guarded, for the benefit of both me and my companion. I still like to have a good time, but I’m watching everything and everyone. I notice when a man walks by a little more closely than he should, or pays a little too much attention to her from the bar. I stand taller, walk a little more aggressively, drink less and sit between her and the sketchy guy at the next table who can’t stop looking at her or at us.

I figure one of the reasons that this happens is because they’re checking out my friend or date. There is the occasion when a guy will flirt with me, but it’s so rare and laughable that I don’t often think about it. In any event, the look on a man’s face when he’s admiring an attractive woman is clearly different than when he’s thinking he’d like to take her out back and fuck her, whether she’s given him the time of day or not.

There’s another angle, too. If it’s a date, and a guy figures this out, that can change everything. I’ve heard everything from fascination (“Oh, hey – can I watch?”) to optimism (“You just haven’t met the right guy yet”) to confusion (“How can you be that hot and not like cock?!”) to denial (“Spend a night with me, and I’ll turn you straight”) to anger, which usually then gets blamed on me (“You couldn’t get a man if you tried,” “No wonder you’re a dyke – you look like a dude” or “You better watch it. Some guy will change her mind”).

I feel like there is a delicate way to handle these conflicts. If a guy starts coming on to her, I feel like it is her right and responsibility to respond to him in a way that helps her maintain her autonomy and power. If I jumped in every time that happened, I’d be doing it a lot, and it would only make me look jealous. But more importantly, in my opinion, my knee jerk reaction would take away from her the ability to express herself with conviction; he should hear it come from her mouth that she’s not interested (for whatever reason). The last thing I want him to think is that she’s too vulnerable to speak on her own or that because I intervened, she might feel differently.

This isn’t to say she’s on her own. I’ve found that it helps to have this conversation at some point with my date/friend. I ask how they handle these situations. I ask if they can think of a situation where they’d like me to get involved and, if so, at what point they start feeling like they need some support. Is it the third time he asks? Is it when he puts his hand on her arm? I want the women I go out with to have a comfort level, to know they’re not alone. We all need someone to have our back sometime, you know? There might be idiots out there that start shit – we’ve all seen it – but running into them shouldn’t compromise the strength of my relationship with my companion. Should this conversation happen before a first date? Maybe not. But should it happen after a couple of dates, or with a friend you often socialize with? Absolutely.

Reining it in is hard for me sometimes. I’m protective, and sometimes guys just don’t get it. When some drunk idiot won’t give it up, it’s all I can do not to kick his chair out from under him. However, I usually end up doing one of a few different things, depending on the situation: I make a joke with him, let him know that I see what he’s up to; I take it up a notch and suggest that he actually listen to what she’s saying to him; or I let him know in no uncertain terms that she is telling him to get lost, and he should do just that. And in some cases, it’s apparent that the best thing to do is pack up and call it a night. I know I’m strong. I’m know I’m masculine. And while those qualities help me, I also know that if some guy made up his mind that he was going to have his way, there would be little I could do. I hate that physical helplessness, but it’s also made me smarter. And it’s not about focusing on what I need to feel secure; it’s about preserving the relationship, no matter what.

I want to reiterate that here have been only a handful of times that a guy has been a complete asshole to me or a woman I’m with. While that’s not a high percentage, it’s enough to keep me wary and alert. In those cases, I’ve also been in a place where there were a lot of people around, strangers, who also saw what was going on, and that helped convince the guy to back off.

Society has changed. Straight bars are no longer only for heterosexuals, and gay bars aren’t always patronized by only LGBT patrons. Misunderstandings happen all the time, and I’ve actually met some pretty cool guys because of this; most of them had no idea what they were getting themselves into, and when it’s clarified for them, they tend to be very embarrassed and apologize. By the end of the night, we’re all laughing about it.

The people who know me well know that I love Jonatha Brooke. She’s an incredible singer, songwriter and musician. One of my favorites. So I might swoon a lot here.

I first fell in love with her when she played on Letterman back in 2001. Besides the fact that I thought she was hot in her Starsky & Hutch tee, I loved her music (I’m such a sucker for a woman with a guitar). If I’m on a road trip, her music is playing.Hell, her music is playing most of the time, whether I’m on the road or not.

But then I saw her play live, and I was really hooked. She’s wonderful to see in concert because her interaction with the audience is genuine and witty. She announced in one show that if Jennifer Lopez could change her name to J. Lo, then she could go by J-Bro. But she’s got soul, too. Her songs and lyrics are amazing to me, and she sings from the heart. Ah, that voice.

She is beautiful, charismatic, funny, and down to earth. Meeting her after a show is always a highlight, and I’ve had a few opportunities to talk to her (one of the few times in my life I can remember being truly flustered, and that’s saying something). Continue reading

(Just because I’m on vacation doesn’t mean I can’t give you a nice little Friday distraction … I’m nice like that.)

One thing I like about Jennifer Garner is that she’s just so damn nice. Doesn’t she seem that way? I don’t particularly care that her acting career is chock-full of romcoms and fair-to-middling tv shows (Alias was all right, until it just wasn’t anymore. I did love her in Juno, though; she just seems like one of those women with whom  you could just chill.

Niceness aside, she’s also pretty easy on the eyes. I dig the girl-next-door demeanor she exudes, and I like the fact that she seems comfortable with a beer at a baseball game one minute and completely dolled up the next (I love that versatility in a woman).  And even though I love her serious, sexy side, I had to include some photos of her smiling, because THOSE DIMPLES. Enough said.

Welcome to the Swoon List, Jennifer.

NO, that’s not Alice Pieszecki from The L Word. It’s Leisha Hailey, and she’s much more than a character from a television show. She’s also a musician, rocking out in groups like The Murmurs and Uh Huh Her. She’s got that perfect mix of intellect, sexiness, quirkiness and charm. And I dare you resist those eyes or that killer smile. It can’t be done.

(And yes, dollface, I forgive you for the horrible yogurt ads you did to make ends meet.)

Welcome to the Swoon List, Leisha.

And hey, why not throw in a video, too? It has Leisha AND a unicorn!